Whadafudge!

Fact 13: I like proms

2011-12-29T00:28:00.004+08:00

So, there's one thing I found out after my high school's prom. THAT I ACTUALLY LIKE DRESSING UP ATTEMPTING TO LOOK BETTER THAN I NORMALLY DO HEH.

I have never applied such heavy make up on my face before, and even the light make up I don't do very often. All my life, I applied make up on my face for the sake of school events and functions which requires me to do it. After the prom, I realised that make up can be fun and blah but I don't think I would ever go to such lengths- the time and effort to put on make up, be it light or heavy on a daily basis. It can be fun, but I think I'm gonna let it be a once in a long while thing.

So here are my prom pictures! SURIA PROM 2011. Took place in The Gardens Hotel on the 21st of Dec.

First off, let me introduce you my date for this event. Marcus Tung! He was my classmate when we were in Form 2, and then classmates again in Form 4 and Form 5. We're good friends and will be for a long time!

Marcus and I

He was nice enough to ask me, knowing no one would go with me #foreveralone.jpg so, we just went together. He was an extremely nice date- he brought me soup although we were sitting at different tables because he was the emcee of the event, and bought me a drink at the after party at The Library. And he asked me to dance right when the dance floor was open! We were the first to dance and we were alone on the dance floor dancing to slow music for a while until Erina and her boyfriend came and join us. It was really fun.

My classmates! Teng Yee and I on the left, Wai Yan and I on the right. (top)
Calvin and I on the left, Even and I on the right (bottom)

Speaking of dancing! I was insane D: All of us danced so hard ( I mean to mainstream fast songs which I hear only through the radio ), this is my first time I really enjoyed myself without a single worry in the world. I wasn't even worried about my bra falling off haha! So that should tell you how comfortable I was with jumping around and chicken dancing with my bitches and friends. I vaguely remember butt dancing with Wali haha! But I learnt the hard way that my legs were not made for vigorous activities without warm ups. The day after prom and until now
calves hurt like crazy :( But it's alot better now, and I'm going to Norman's prom for Hartamas' students tomorrow (ikr so kepochi hehe)

Mydarlinglovelybeautiful Yuanni (left), Rou Yun (center), Aki (right)

I slow danced with alot of other people too, I swear I looked like a dance whore :( But oh well, I had fun! :) Some people just take slow dances too seriously.

Forever alone clan! That's Yi Ting in the first picture!

And this is my ForeverAlone Clan! Supposedly, I was dateless and it seemed like I was the only outcast coz all my girls had partners. Yi Ting with Fannie, Evane with her bf, Qi Ying with her bf, Qian with Sen Hua. But thank god Suanne was there at the table. Haha! Wasn't too lonely after all. And Marcus asked me last minute so, sorry Forever Alone buddies :(

Yoong Shang and I (right), Kenny and I (center), Wai Yip and I (right)

Stanley and I (left), The gorgeous Karmelia and I (right)

And then to the awards! IF I remember correctly, these were the awards and the winners:
Best Smile: Wali
Best Dressed: Erina
Best Couple: Erina & Her Bf
All rounder: Seow Ching and Camen *hehehe*
Prom King: Zack
Prom Queen: Camen *heheheh again*

I know I'm so perasan haha! If I said I wasn't happy, I'd be lying. Truth is, all my life I've only won awards that are based on academics or public speaking and blah, but never once a popularity based contest. So I guess there's a first time for everything!

I'm still keeping the tiara!

Prom king and queen!

And we had to dance alone...awkward haha! But actually, not really, we were classmates since Form 4 up to Form 5. What are the odds for both prom king and queen to be chosen from the same class right?

I had a really good time. Funny thing was, I had a really shitty week before prom with my emotions and thoughts all over the place. I was so sure that prom was going to turn out to be crappy too, like how my week before prom was. But it went way better than I expected it to be. Although the attendance could have been better, I had one really good night. And in a way, I felt alot better about what had happened to me before that got me so depressed.

I might just miss these crazy high school times :) Whadafudge, and all this while I was so looking forward to ending high school. Still am, but I think I will miss my friends and the good memories.

Fact 12: I have spent most of my Christmas alone

2011-12-24T22:41:00.002+08:00

And this year's no exception :( Not that I'm not used to being lonely.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Guess who's Prom Queen?

2011-12-23T20:17:00.004+08:00

Ewwwwwwwww, this ugly girl's prom queen?! Whadafudge!! Hahaha :D

I know I'm beginning to sound real cocky about winning the title and shit but cut me some slack lah, I haven't been this appreciated for a long time lor.

STAY TUNED for the Suria Prom 2011 post :)

Fact 11: I'm really actually not as strong as I say I am

2011-12-20T23:24:00.002+08:00

This post is really depressing and dark, so if you're in a beautiful mood, you may well exit this blog, but I don't think that would keep you guys from reading the post, rather the length of this post will stop you from reading it.

So, for those of you who have seen my recent sad status on Facebook and asked how I'm feeling, thank you for your concern. Some really close friends really showed sincere concern, and some who aren't close at all too! And am I okay? No. I'm not. Have a feeling I won't be for a while.

I might be very vague about this, just to preserve some privacy that is not mine alone.

The same old story, you can say. Puts heart out there, gets it broken in to a gazillion pieces, cries eyeballs out, stops eating, pretends to be happy in front of family to avoid questions and watches stupid videos to smile and laugh again. Thing is.. I haven't been this vulnerable in a very long time. Sure, there were always silly crushes but they were just that. Stupid silly crushes that I've expected never to work out.

But in this case, I really really put myself out there to this amazing person whom seems almost like a dream to me. I know, so corny right, but it's true. We can talk for hours about anything and everything, sharing so many common grounds despite our massive differences. I believed he was special, and he made me believe I'm special too, and he told me that everytime we spoke if not everyday. I felt so special, so ... loved. And I reciprocated how I thought he felt about me, and we were both mutual about how we felt towards each other.

I knew, from the beginning of all that ( I don't even know what to call it ) that to make a relationship out of it is very difficult, but not impossible. I was optimistic about it, because we knew each other so well and we were so right for each other. Or so I thought. Our distance is awfully far, and I guess not being there physically is a huge problem. I brought this upon myself, the pain and shit. I shouldn't have stuck around long enough to develop such strong feelings towards this person. But I only did because he made me believe that he was worth it all - crossing borders, saving up money for a plane ticket, posting letters.. And believe me or not, I do still believe that he is worth all of that. But I can't do that now.

I was getting better. I was talking again yesterday, until I received an email from him, apologizing after seeing my status, wanting to talk to me probably proposing a closure and walk away on good terms, I don't know. I cried myself every night since the day I found out that I was no longer the girl I thought I was for him, and I stopped crying the night before last night, but I cried again after receiving the email. I don't do tears, I don't do sadness, I more importantly, I don't do arguments.

I know one fact, the moment I decide to really talk to him, I will raise my voice out of anger fueled by disappointment and later break down in tears, as I always do when I argue with someone. I'm weak like that. I'm weak. And I don't want people to see that. You can know that, but please don't see that.

Why am I angry? I'm angry because I'm disappointed. Not because I didn't see it coming, but because of the way you chose to let me know. A relationship status on Facebook does me no justice. I deserve more than that. You could have just emailed me or even insensitively post on my wall and say "Hey Camen, sorry I've been lying to you telling you I'm busy all this while when in truth, I was spending time with this new girl I met who is so much better than you for me. And guess what! She's my new girlfriend!" I'd prefer that than your relationship status popping up on my newsfeed. Because my heart just dropped. Yeah, I felt it drop. The last time I felt like this was in 2008. I still remembered.

I feel so childish, so stupid. Was I the only one who believed that it could have worked out?

The worst part is, I pitied myself. I gave into self-pity. I will never stoop this low again, because I know, I will not be putting myself out there, signing up for a huge fall that would take very long to recover from for a very long time. From today on, it's just me and myself against the world. I won't hurt myself the way I hurt now.

Because it just hurts so fucking bad, and I'm never going back there again.

Fact 10: I loathe spoilt brats

2011-12-16T22:22:00.002+08:00

Widely assumed a happy family. My brother missing from the pic btw.

My mom's back from India with shitloads of chocolates as if I am not fat enough already whadafudge! Anyhow, I'm thrilled that she's back because I don't have to stay at home 24/7 anymore :D I've been rotting at home for the past week, sleeping at dawn, waking up at noon, turning nocturnal, eating instant noodles (coz mom's not around to cook/bring us out to eat), Tetris battle, watching TV, listening to Nyan Cat nyan nyan nyannn nyannnnnnn! So yah, my life without my mom is this sad and unproductive. But I did clean up my room and closet! Kudos to that.

As much as I can really hate my mom's temper and negative vibes, I missed her and in the end, I come to realise I love her. I admit, I have sworn one too many times that I would leave this family as soon as I am financially and legally independent just so I can break free from the cages she so strictly confine me in. This woman can be really cold and cruel when she speaks what comes into mind, which happens like 98% of the time I am with her. She does not cut you any slack, and there are times when I hear my friends complain about how their moms won't buy their shit and how they don't care about them, I wished so bad that they would spend just ONE day with my mom in my shoes. Did I mention she once poured a cup of tea all over my brother in public because he pissed her off?

Pictures may be very little of relevance, but just to make things more interesting than just a sea of words...

However, she can be really nice when she's in a good mood, which is pretty rare. And the great thing is when she comes home from traveling , she feels all guilty and bad that we had to be stuck at home while she was off across the globe having the time of her life, and thus treating us very very kindly. But this only lasts for 2 weeks tops.

I realised I don't have much pictures with her alone..

I'm not gonna lie, I still feel the part of me really hating her for everything she has said with every intention to hurt my feelings and how I am never going to be good enough. But she's my mother, and I owe her everything. It's a complicated shithole I live in FML but I will survive. I have a lot to be thankful for though, I know how NOT to raise my kids and I get stronger everytime she says mean things to me, because it's something I took 17 years of my life to get use to. I'm not saying that it doesn't hurt everytime I listen to the things she say about me, but it would just hurt less. So in a way, she has prepared me to face whatever the hell in stored for me when I am out in the cold heartless world outside where so many spoilt kids are shot down and get so effed up because they were just being spoon fed their whole life. Money just doesn't fall down from the skies bitches, or in your case given by your mom and dad just like that. How long are they gonna live? Forever? Fuckers. I hate spoilt kids pfft #middlefinger

But that's a different story entirely. I don't think one blog post is enough for me to express my dislike and disapproval of children and teenagers given everything they want in life by their parents. I can write a whole goddamn sonofadick novel, no shit. So here's a poem for you brats,
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
See this middle finger?
It's just for you.

or maybe I am secretly envious of how easy their lives are.. hmm. Possible.

Fact 9: I'm not a tech wiz

2011-12-14T21:28:00.005+08:00

Hey imaginary readers! As promised, and due to my humdrum lifestyle without my mom to fetch me around, I made myself a header, and it was kinda a big FAILLL in my face. To start with, I'm not gifted with a pretty face. AND, I rely alot on my photo editing skills which is actually not that great, but it helps. I didn't use Photoshop because I don't have the installation CD and if I were to download it from the Internet, it will only last for a few weeks, trial mode. So I used a different programme, and everything in and out, is in Chinese.

Thankfully, I was raised in a Chinese educated family and going to a private school doesn't handicap (?) me (much) from understanding, reading and writing Chinese. If I were to choose all over again, I might choose to continue Bahasa Cina for PMR instead of dropping it halfway when I was in Form 1 , even if it meant failing the subject. Just so I can be better in the language.

Back to the topic... this photo editing programme isn't as good as photoshop and the cutting tool isn't as good either. The edges are very rough and they do not have that smoothing tool they have in Photoshop to smudge the outlines to make it less sharp but bahhh I did everything under 2 hours and I'm pretty proud of myself considering I suck at stuff like that. I cannn be creative if I was given papers and pens but tech wise, I'm horrible.

The edited photos before cutting them out..

Oh well...

And also, I shamelessly went to other blogs owned by school mates and friends to get them to relink me hahahaha! Just to promote my blog lol. I know, so perasan. But whadafudge :P I'm determined to be an efficient blogger and let you all in into my narcissistic life. Chances of me being stalked, raped or/and murdered are now more likely, but mehhh...

Fact 8: I need money

2011-12-14T00:37:00.002+08:00

So.... I need money. Hahaha who doesn't right? Especially with the New Year coming up, I want to get new clothes. Which is why I have decided to get myself a job as soon as my mom comes home from India. She's been away since Friday and I kinda miss her. I miss annoying her, that's what. I hope she comes home with souvenirs but pleaseee not chocolate :( I cannot resist eating them if she were to come back with all sorts of chocolate from the airport! NO!

Back to the topic, cash! I've signed up as an advertiser as a blogger on Nuffnang, if you noticed, in hopes of earning SOMETHING but it's a long shot. Well, what the hell. I'm stuck at home and I've got nothing better to do other than TV and Tetris (i know im such a geek). But this would mean advertising my blog like a blog whore on Facebook and wherever possible and making my blog look pretty and presentable. Now that I think of it, it's not easy. I'm not a consistent blogger either, so looks like I better pick up some slack.

This also means that I have to take lots of pictures to make the blog interesting and all hmmmm. I'm not too big of a fan in taking pictures now, but I was an avid self-proclaimed back in the days lol. But that was a long time ago. And I get too wordy, readers hate that I know but what am I suppose to do! I like writing and talking.

So work starts tomorrow. I'll start shamelessly dropping my links on other people's blogs and maybe do abit of self promotion on Facebook. And not forgetting a new header, where the camwhore inside of me comes in. Hahaha get buckets ready y'all I don't have a pretty face and prepare to watch the oooglayyy beech flood her page with pictures of herself. Why am I even doing this.... oh yah MONEY NUFFNANG. Treat me well, Nuffnang :(

Theory 1: Reasons why I have mild insomnia

2011-12-01T03:02:00.004+08:00

The hours, the minutes and the seconds of rolling in the bed, unable to fall asleep. You wonder first, about yourself, about the ones you love, about the future, and then about the world.

You relive the past, repent the wrongs you have done and wished some things never happened in the first place. And then you think to yourself that it is impossible for you to live a life with only ups and no downs. You know people make mistakes and what changes things would be you learning from them. But you wonder, yet again. Can your heart go through the pain and disappointment that comes after the mistake you commited all over again?

And the you think about the ones you love. You think about how much you have done for them, and how little they are grateful for. You love them, but they can never see how much you silently care for them. You love them, but they will never appreciate everything that you have done for them. You love them, but they will never look you straight in the eye and say thank you. You have always been giving, and you take nothing. And you wonder if it is all worth it. You decide it is not. But then you still care for them, and the cycle repeats itself. You then ask yourself, is it possible for someone to care for me as much as I care for the people I love?

Love is a game I am addicted to. I gamble everything I have but I never win. The fading optimism in me tells me that someday, the tables will turn. But the day never comes. And you wonder again..

And then you think about the future. How will you turn out to be? Will you end up like your mom? A woman who has bad temper, stays at home who worry about financial setbacks, having nothing to do other than doing chores and caring for your family. You hate staying at just one place, and you hate being controlled and restricted. You wish that you'll never grow up to be like her.

You then think about the world. How society decides the way we should live, the way society runs the world. Why is it that we live under what society thinks is right? Why is it that they decide the norm in which some of us fall victim to? Why is it that we have to just follow everything that everyone else does?

The minute I finish asking all these questions, I fall asleep. And the next minute, will be time for me to wake up.

Fact 7: I'm a sad victim of wrong timing

2011-10-17T22:20:00.001+08:00

Why is it, when I really wanted something at that particular moment and no matter how much I wish for it to come true, it doesn't - and when the moment arrives when I decide to let go of what I wanted and move on, everything I wanted before comes knocking on my door?

Life's a bitch. True story.

Fact 6: I listen to sad soppy music to sleep

2011-10-06T23:28:00.000+08:00

It's now 11.29 pm and tomorrow's a school day. Close friends would know it is rare for me to stay up this late on a night before a school day. Yes I know whatcha thinking, "This nerdy bitch goes to bed at 9." But hey, I live to sleep and sleep to live man. Don't expect me to cut down my sleep time coz I love sleep.

I hate it when people ask me to do something without asking me if I want to do it. Being a head prefect, yes I know it is my responsibility and answering to every request from the teachers is a part of my job, but then again, it is not a job which I get paid for. Nor is it a job of my interest. But there are minor perks that most people and sometimes myself, lose sight on - the experience and the ability for me to take on pressure.

However I really did wish sometimes they think, maybe just for once - "Am I asking too much from this girl?"

My SPM is around the corner, and pressure is knocking on my doorstep alot lately. Still, I have to involuntarily take on tasks assigned by the teachers from the school. The irony is that the teachers themselves advises us against focusing on things other than our studies. Hypocritical much? Seriously..

Just in case you're curious, this pain-in-my-unattractive-big-ass event is the Graduation Ceremony. No doubt I am happy to graduate and leave this shit hole, but shouldn't the teachers themselves handle this event? We handled Teachers' Day because it is their day. Graduation is supposedly about us students, but why do we have to be a part of the management?

I know I may sound selfish, but I'm just so sick and tired of asking myself "WHY ME?" everytime a teacher comes to me for myself. I can help you, but I can't do it in every ceremony you organize for the school. It's really inconsiderate.. and I'm really really tired.

Sigh. If anything, I'm pretty excited about graduating and starting anew. New reputation, new everything. I don't wanna stand out for being the perfectionist and the girl who manages everything and bleh. I just wanna do what I love and be happy about what I do.

My blog posts are always too wordy. Oh well, that's me. I like words :P Oh, and I do realise my lack of commitment in blogging, but that's also me. I can't really deal with commitment, or so I learnt.

Fact 5: I 've got a lousy webcam

2011-08-13T23:50:00.000+08:00

I'm waiting for someone to go online, but I've waited for like 2 hours. So I guess I got stood up! But oh well no biggie.

So I was bored and I had my webcam plugged into my laptop, so hehe, camwhored a lil as usual. And then realised the quality of the pictures are pretty shitty. Hmm..

So as you can see (or maybe not) I'm wearing coloured contacts. I'm not sure if you can make out what colour they are, but they're grey. I don't know what drove me into getting them. Well, firstly I am visually imperfect. -3.00 for my left eye and -2.50 for my right. So don't judge me if you think I'm wearing them just for the fun of it.

Okay, not gonna lie, wearing the coloured contacts ARE just for fun. And I was just experimenting. Like trying new things. I've been doing that quite alot this year =X First with basketball, and then with 30 hour famine, and then with normal (uncoloured) contacts, and then this and ALOT MORE which I can't tell :P But well, you know what I mean.

So anyways, I don't quite like the contacts because I think it looks freaky on me. I bought the ones with the smallest diameter but I end up looking weird hehe.

This was drafted like a week ago so yeah, here ya go. And I didn't really get stood up! He came online as soon as I drafted this hehe :P

Fact 4: I'm not an efficient blogger

2011-08-01T19:32:00.000+08:00

Easier said than done. I thought I was gonna be more loyal to my blog, but it appears not :D Oh well, it's not like there's much to talk about.

Well, just to fill you in on what had happened since the last time I blogged, I decided to dedicate this post just for that.

1) I found someone new in my life who secures a good place in my heart and mind.

But he'll never truly be mine until I am good/old enough to earn good money because he is 14620 kilometers /9085 miles/ 7894 nautical miles away and I would need to be financially independent and resourceful. Call me a dreamer, call me insane. But you don't know what is going on, so please try not to judge me. It is real. Maybe you can't tell, because you don't know the full details. But I don't wanna reveal the full details either. Ironic, yes I know.

All you need to know is that, I'm enjoying every moment of this bond that I have with this guy while it lasts. And so is he. No one gets hurt, so thanks, to friends who extended their concern towards me. Don't worry moi in good hands :D

2) My birthday came and went.

My 17th birthday was simple (i think) However, this was the first time I didn't blow any birthday candles off a birthday cake, or received any present whatsoever from my family members. It is very unlike them, considering how they make my birthday a big deal. Haha, maybe because I didn't show much enthusiasm about my birthday, so whatever I guess :)

But they brought me to the Marriot Hotel for a nice dinner which was pretty nice of them.

I'm pretty lazy to upload it to Flickr and putting it up here as a larger picture, but it'll do :D

And then the next day, I went out with my girls and their dates, as well as Mason. I thought it was really nice of Mason to show.

Mason and I

Michelle (standing left), Min Chi (standing right), Yi Ting (sitting left) and me :D

However, it wasn't a good day because shit happened. If I was there, I might have been able to prevent it from happening, but a shame, I wasn't there.

3) I won Public Speaking.

*shamelessly put up a picture of me with the trophy*

I won Cahaya, but most probably because she exceeded her time limit. I didn't do as well as I am capable of, but the teachers thought I did better as compared to my performance last year. But I don't know.. Sure didn't feel that way to me..
Whatever it is, I'm so so happy it's finally over.

4) I joined the 30 hour famine camp

It MAY seem easy to starve for 30 hours, but no actually, it's not. At first, I was okay with the idea of going with just water and nothing else for 30 hours, but when the gastric pains hit me, it wasn't easy. But all was okay, since I got to lie down, which would make me feel better. And I didn't wanna take any medications or food, because that pretty much just defeats the purpose or vision of the camp so I stuck to having pains and being hungry :)

As if things wouldn't get any worse, my period came the next day, the 15th hour of the camp, which pretty much sucked all the energy outta me. It sucked big time. I nearly passed out, because one of the activities involved dancing with lotsa twirling and jumping. So yeah, you can imagine that. But still, I wanted to complete the camp! :D

What can I really do anyway? The kids who really starve in Africa, Cambodia and India didn't even have a choice. All I can do is feel how they feel for just 30 hours. They go through this their entire lives. As shallow as I may sound after all my complaints and blahs, I do realise the true meaning of the camp. Not just some fun activity so that I can ditch my family and hang with mah fwens. So yeah.

5) I've decided where I want to study and what I want to study after high school

I've decided on International Communication Studies. Sigh, too many people ask me day after day what IS this course. And truth to be told, I'm pretty tired answering. It's like Mass Com. with a broader range, whereby I get to major in a foreign language. I get to choose one out of these languages:

Mandarin
Japanese
Korean
French
German
Spanish

Hmm.. I have no idea which to pick because they're all pretty interesting, and I love languages. It's pretty hard to choose from. But anyways, you get the idea on what this course is like.
And there's only TWO schools in the Peninsular which offer this course. UNMC and KLIUC.

So yeah, KLIUC is like the least popular school (hehe), so there you are! I'm going to UNMC. University of Nottingham Malaysia Campus, Broga, Semenyih.

Ahhh I'm so friggin tired. I shall post another entry about my visit to UNMC today (maybe) soon :P

Mission accomplished! A month's summary check.

Fact 3: There is so such thing as too cold or windy nowadays.

2011-07-03T17:10:00.000+08:00

I'm serious guys, I can't tolerate the heat. If it gets any hotter, I will have to bathe in ice. That's if I have a bath tub.

I'll have to buy a tub then.

NO NO NO NO my weekend is ending. FML FML FML. I hate Mondays :/ And I promised my English teacher to come up with a speech related to the theme Righteousness. I mean C'MON! How do you really expect an agnostic atheist like myself to produce anything subtle with a crazy ass theme like that?

I mean seriously, I've googled the word, there is no search on Righteousness that does not link to religion.

This is really really stupid. I didn't wanna join in the first place!! I'm so so tired with all the antics the school is trying to pull just to be the better school. It's so tiring. Hasn't it crossed their supposedly intelligent minds that we can't care less about the "activities" they throw just to score a spot in the newspaper or win "the-apparently-most-prestigious-school-award" (or something like that)?

Really guys, we don't give a shit.

I don't give a shit.

It's not like you thank me for my participation or victory over the other school anyway. All I get is more homework due to my absence in class for practices, pimples out of stress, nagging from parents and teachers complaining about my overdue work. All for some silly public speaking competition, themed Righteousness.

Not worth the certificate man. Plus, it's SPM year. Not that I care that much, but at least I sit through the lessons.

Ms Foo forced me into this. I really don't want to join.

FUCK THIS SHIT

Fact 2: To take a blog's profile picture is not easy too

2011-06-30T22:34:00.000+08:00

Well, I guess I'm a perfectionist after all. After putting it up, I don't think that it's appropriate.. Hmm.

Pretty excited about Sunway's trip tomorrow with YiTing and MinChi <3

-C

Fact 1: Thinking of a Blog Domain is not easy

2011-06-29T00:38:00.001+08:00

Believe it or not, I created this blog 3 months ago. And I changed the domain for about 6 times.

I'm settling with this.

Reopening blog officially next week.

-C